True Beauty

I have been reflecting a lot recently on beauty. Where does one find beauty? What does it mean to be beautiful? How is beauty defined? Why is beauty so sought after?

I have been surrounded by beauty for the past month. I see beauty in the green of the garden, in the rust orange of the mud after the rain hits, in the magenta of the flowers and in the yellow of the butterflies. I see beauty in the way the sun engulfs the sky with its color every morning at the sunrise and in the way it quietly slips behind the buildings leaving a pink trail at the sunset. I see beauty in a full church, in a front row full of attentive toddlers, and in a group of preteen boys attending mass daily. I see beauty in my acceptance into the community, in praying with the sisters, in sharing meals and laughs with the other volunteers and in the greetings of our dog, Grigio. I see beauty in the sheepish smiles of small children, in their enthusiastic participation in dancing and in their voices raised to recite the prayers of the rosary in Arabic.  I see beauty in a mothers embrace of her sick child, in a nurse who takes the time to educate her patients, in a child comforted from crying through the simple rotations of the blades on a ceiling fan, and in a clinic that helps hundreds of poor daily.  I see beauty in having water flow at the turn of a knob, in having a full plate of food, in seeing the two bars of wifi that mean my email will send, and in the feeling of my keys in my pocket meaning that I have a comfortable place to rest my head every night. I find beauty in the transformation of simple bread and wine into the body and blood of my Lord and in the daily gift of receiving Jesus into my very own body.

Yes, I have been surrounded by beauty for the past month and the word has begun to take on new meaning. It’s a word that, back home, is so often associated with things of vanity. In order to find beauty, I must wear the latest fashion, I must have my hair and makeup done, and my body must look a certain way. It’s a beauty that seeks its definition through the approval of others. It’s so limited. We have but one small mirror here, a small circle enclosed in pink plastic hanging above the sink in our bathroom. I catch glimpses of myself as a wash my hands or brush my teeth and am surprised by the beauty I see. Every article of clothing I have here can fit on one shelf. I have not worn makeup since I left the states. My hair is most often in a low ponytail or a haphazardly thrown together bun. My blue eyes hide behind my glasses every day. I’ll look down to see the outfit that I’m wearing for the 6^th time in a month that isn’t quite clean enough from my untrained hands washing it, my body perpetually covered in sweat and mosquito bites, and my nails stained from dirt and work. How do I feel beautiful?

I was perplexed and pleased by the beauty I saw and felt. This is not the idea of beauty that society had instilled in me my whole life. I prayed on this for a while and everything seemed so obvious. My whole life, I was the one trying to define what made me or others or the world around me beautiful. In reality, only the creator of this world can define what true beauty is. God made this world to be beautiful so when things are how he intended them to be, there is beauty. God designed the day and the night and it was good.  The beauty in the sunrise and the sunset is apparent because that is how God created days to pass. There is beauty in the joy of children because they most accurately portray our Christian faith. There is beauty in the love of a family because they are following their vocation. I am finding beauty in the simplicities of life because I am thankful to God for blessing me with them.

 I realized that I am seeing beauty in myself because I am being exactly who God created me to be.  Through all of the confusions of life in Africa, spending hours in the clinic having no idea what anyone is saying around me, being continents away from my family and friends, trying to learn my responsibilities in a new environment, living in a community of diverse cultures, and having practically no control over anything around me, there is no doubt. I have no doubt that God created me with the intention of sending me to Wau, South Sudan this year. I was created to love and serve my Lord with every action, every word, and every thought. I would be lying to you if I told you I was doing that perfectly here, but I am striving for it in ways that I never have before.

I look back at all of the times I tried on half of my closet trying to find something I felt beautiful in. The times that I angrily tore my eyes away from the mirror upset that the makeup I put on didn’t change the way I felt about myself. The hours I spent in dressing rooms h

oping that I would find the perfect dress for an event. The years of subconsciously seeking the approval of those around me. I look back and realize that I was seeking beauty through things of the world instead of wholeheartedly seeking Jesus. The Lord took all of these worldly things away from me to show me the deepest beauty I will ever see, to give me the gift of seeing beauty in the world as He sees it, and to feel as beautiful as he created me to be.

“How beautiful you are, how pleasing, my love, my delight.”

-Song of Songs 7: 7